Building Self-Compassion: A Cognitive and Behavioral Approach

Welcome. This post introduces a few approaches to increase self-compassion. Each approach requires consistent practice and outcomes build on each other. I invite you to experiment.

Negative self-talk for many of us is like water to a fish.

Notice how you talk to yourself. Are you unkind? Notice how friends and family talk to themselves. Are they unkind?

Negative self-talk for many of us is like water to a fish. Hone your attention to noticing the water: notice the negative self-talk.

Negative thinking and experiences are stickier than their positive counterparts. Noticing negative self-talk can alert us to the harm and invite a change.

Become familiar with your patterns.

But if all we know is water, how do we create an alternative? Take notes. Become familiar with your patterns of negative self-talk and set aside time to craft believable and more compassionate responses. Practice this process; you’re working against an established pattern. Practice adding more compassion into your internal dialogue. If you are lost here, consider reaching out to a mental health professional. You can borrow their perspective to help identify more compassionate language and address your stuck points.

Use your imagination.

Imagine you are watching a film of your future self who is now magically good enough, worthy, and lovable. How does this version of you move? How do they engage with other people? How do they spend their time? Take your time with this. Begin introducing these behaviors and activities into your life today.

Screen your media.

Review the social media you consume. Unfollow or mute people who reinforce your negative self-talk. Follow people who can be role models for self-acceptance and self-love.

Self-compassion and size goals.

If you want to lose weight or get bigger, honestly assess why. Ask yourself when and where the seeds of your size goals first appeared. Ask yourself what nourished those seeds into the well-rooted size goals they are today. Notice internalized fat phobia and white supremacy culture if/when they show up. Label it "fat phobia" and/or "white supremacy culture" and express care to these wounds from the best part of yourself. Use self-touch, humming, and/or slow breathing to settle your body. If applicable, state or restate your reasons for pursuing size goals consistent with self-love. Consider reaching out to a mental health professional if your size goals and self-compassion practice continue to conflict.